of blu skies

of a lesson in humility

2010-08-25T00:22:00.007+08:00

Life's lessons come in many forms. Some may hit you right in the face whilst others are gentle nudges steering you back to the right path. I believe these experiences we go through are part of God's education for us in our journeys of self-discovery and ultimately, self-fulfillment (in what ever form that may be). This is my attempt to narrate one such experience; one which got me questioning my sense of pride and me always being "overly" self-confident.

There are people you meet in life who just make you want to emulate them or learn from them. But they don't actually teach you nor instruct you. They motivate you to seek self-betterment by just being the people they are. I have been blessed with many great mentors in my brief time on earth. The best of them is a father of 5 and a man I once wished was my own dad.

We haven't met for ages. We didn't even plan to meet that day and as such the meeting was brief. I was in Tampines ( Suburb in Eastern Singapore ) to chat up with a fellow activist who I have seen grown over the years. I was inviting her to a part of youth development project I was working on. Needed the support and experience as the current team is made up of mostly freshies. Soon after our little chat, I headed to the neighbourhood mosque, Masjid Darul Ghufran. I deduced that the congregational prayers just ended as I could faintly hear the recitation of closing supplications as I made my way closer to this House of God. Lo and behold, standing outside the musollah (praying area) was Bro Helmy Isa. Decked in his usual office attire, long sleeve shirt (it was blue that day) and black pants; no tie, no frills. I spoke to him a bit before heading in to do my pre-prayer ablution. Truth is I missed him quite a bit.

So there we were, just having small talk; how are you? I'm fine, alhamduliLLAH and the like. Then from a distance; a familiar voice called out, "You were an AA (Ambulance Attendant / Medic) right?" It was Wak Leh, a retired firerfighter who served his last few years as an ambulance driver and that question was directed to my mentor. Wak Leh knew me as a paramedic trainee and an "AA". Bro Helmy did serve his National Service in the Singapore Civil Defence Force but not as a Medic. I was a provost, he politely replied with that ever so sincere smile on his face not embarrassing the elderly man - because for all you know, they may have never met and he was mistaken.

The conversation continued with Wak Leh asking more questions, "What are you doing now?" I help out in mosques. "No wonder... I have seen you around in mosques. Which mosque do you work in?" Oh, I help out here and there. Wherever I can. In that moment, I had to restraint myself. I wanted to just burst out and say - he is the director of mosques in singapore. i.e. He overlooks the management and operations of all the mosques in Singapore. Later I found out, he was in Darul Ghufran to personally meet the Mosque Executive Chairman, Haji Abdul Matin. Then without him noticing and he may never know, there I was being taught a very important lesson in humility.

1. He was pleasantly conversing with Wak Leh who is known to be a chatter in a good way. Though it began with a mistaken identity, he continued to speak and was discerning enough to put Wak Leh at ease and not make him feel embarrassed.
2. He did not reveal the true nature of his job. Instead he was humble enough to just describe as "helping out in mosques".
3. Though a director, he travelled half way across the island to meet his subordinate. They may have something to attend together but it was clear that he made the effort to go to the mosque and not make the mosque chairman go to him.

If these are not signs of servant leadership, I don't know what else would qualify. May I learn and internalize these lessons as I strive to be a better person with each passing day. God Willing.

I am not the best of mentors. I don't think I even deserve to be one actually. But there have been instances where I have to act as one either in official capacity or otherwise. So I dedicate this prose to all my mentors who never cease to inspire me and all my "mentees" from whom I continue to learn so much about human relations, the world and myself.

Thank you for reading.

of the hunt

2010-07-20T17:45:00.000+08:00

it is over

of deliveries and deliverance ( Part 2 )

2010-06-21T07:56:00.002+08:00

Everyone knew I was going to be late but not everyone knew why. I did not even try to rush back to the hospital. Fatigue and disappointment makes a lethal combo for the soul. Yet, I prevail reminding myself I have committed myself to be a paramedic and this course / experience is vital for my personal competence. Hope was waning; maybe I was not meant to deliver a baby this time round.

I headed straight to the pediatric ward where all my group members are. It was our last stop in the series of attachments within the hospital. In the footsteps to the ward, I did what I always do - suck it up. As soon as my face appears before the others, a smile masks all the negativities which reside within me. After speaking to my co-ordinator who advised me to stay and learn at the pediatric ward while she survey the potential mothers at the delivery suite. She will contact me should there be an opening for me. Was I ready to disappointed again? No. But agreed I to her plan, I did.

Dived right into the hustle and bustle in the pediatric ward. Management and care for patients in a ward setting differs from emergency pre-hospital environment I am used to. In a previous attachment to an antenatal/postnatal ward, I learnt best to tag along NYP student nurses and most fortunately, I recognised someone from that attachment now in the same ward yet again. So the student nurse assistant I became. Being busy does help chase away the memory of yesterday. I even was instructed to do a round of vital signs taking myself. Felt rather immersed into entire workings of the ward very quickly. But alas, fate beckons..

I received a cal from my co-ordinator. Her voice signals good news. The joy of actually doing something worthwhile in the ward seem to have lifted my mood. So I handed over the thermometer to some student nurses, returned a black pen ( recordings can only be written in black; I carried only a blue pen ) and rushed down to the delivery ward.

En route, managed to help a lady who was visting some friends navigate the maze of the hospital. Why is the neonatal ICU in the women's tower? Because the neonatologists are here - I knew that only because I met one during my observation of a delivery - baby's heart rate was below the normal range, a sign of fetal distress so the neonatologist was summoned to the delivery room to assess the baby.

Arriving in the delivery suite, i initially decided not to walk in as none of us were assigned there today. The fear of being chased out by the nurse clinician was real. but the staff nurse at the triage area told to just walk in; so I did.

Familiar faces greeted me. First was the receptionist at Counter B then there was the housekeeper "makcik". Got myself acquainted to them the previous times I was there. Next was one of the advanced nursing diploma students, to whom I enquired the whereabouts of my co-ordinator. Hope resumes itself in my hearts of hearts.

< to be continued >

of deliveries and deliverance ( Part 1 )

2010-06-02T11:57:00.003+08:00

you make wanna write a love song
you make wanna sing all night long
you make wanna smile when i hear your voice
and when you speak, you drown out all the noise

in my head.

- yet another unfinished song.

Yesterday at 14:51, delivered a healthy baby girl - with guidance from a staff nurse.
Witnessed 2 deliveries before. Once was last week, the other 4 years ago in the back of an ambulance.

As much as the experience of delivering a baby is blog-worthy, the biggest lesson i learnt from the whole experience was about patience.

Each of us was assigned 4 shifts at the delivery suite ( labour ward ) in Kandang Kerbau Hospital. "Us" here refers to fellow paramedic trainees currently on Obstetrics and Pediatrics Course under NYP. We were also assigned to antenatal/postnatal wards, children's emergency and pediatric wards during our nine days attachment stint after many days of long lecture hours. It was a refreshing to get out of the classroom.

Of the many objectives we had to meet, the most daunting yet also the most anticipated is conducting a delivery/childbirth. First, we have to sit in and observe a delivery. I got my chance to do just that on wednesday. It was a normal vaginal delivery but at 2 instances the doctor had to use a vacuum suction to aid the baby's descend. Baby came out healthy embraced by happy parents. I too share their joy and am very much in gratitude to them as I was turned down by many before them - uncomfortable about having a male attendant present during their delivery.

Then it came to my very own hands-on experience. After yet another round of rejections, a young malay couple consented. I am very happy. It was about late afternoon then but the staff nurse assured me that baby will be coming out by 9pm. She even pre-filled many of the documents as they always do to smoothen the administrative requirements. So I waited.

Many hours, sitting outside the ward. Skipping dinner and proper rest. Once, the husband stepped out calling for assistance. They are instructed to press on the call bell if they needed to be attended to. He informed me that her blood has backflowed in the IV drip. I walked in and clamped the drip set - as taught in my paramedic training and went to get a staff nurse. She then replaced the IV bottle with a new one and calamity resolved. She took the chance to examine the mom. Baby's not coming out yet.

I waited till 11pm - way pass my shift time. Nudged several times by the nurses, asking me to go home, questioning my stay. I finally left the hospital down and disappointed when the staff nurse in charge of the patient said to me - Go home ah, don't waste your time. So i did.

That night, sadness overwhelmed me. Many of the things I was clearly worried about started to surface. Many of them i fail to express to anyone thinking there is noone to listen. and those who have listened to me are very distant.

Glimmer of hope came in the form of one speaks about the stars. I love stargazing. So I decided to camp outside for a while - mapping out the glitter in the sky. Called her up hoping to shared with her where the scorpion lies that night but my call wasn't answered. She texted back - with some words of encouragement - informing that she was at the beach with a friend. Her little respite and clearly, she did not need a whining voice to spoil her escape. I miss the beach and I was starting to miss her. But as it seems, she wasn't missing me.

Facebook status was all I could afford to call out to friends who only replied with comments on the status. No phonecalls no smses no other attempts to connect to poor old me. Noone cares enough for me.The old mantra of self-pity found its way to my playlist. I chose not to wake up feeling lousy the next day.

Unfortunately, I woke up feeling lousy. I woke up late after getting home late the night before. Rushed my way to the hospital. Had to sms my attachment coordinator of my late arrival. The morning did not start as pleasantly as I hope it to be.

< End of Part One >

of saturday morning

2010-05-15T10:54:00.002+08:00

im bored.

there is a politics forum happening right now. bunch of smart people getting together to talk about how singapore is a not a nation but merely a state. what is the difference you might ask? i stopped caring a long while ago.

never really figured out why i cared so much for the big-big, chim-chim issues of life and the world. it was a progression of sorts i guess, the culmination of years of self-exploration and the conversations in between.

far from being an expert on any of the things i ramble about in the presence of others, i choose to articulate my thoughts usually with the hope that i will make sense of the silent cognitive processes in my cephalus. most of the times, the memories of my public rants slipped away into the graveyards of embarrassing moments. buried with decaying tombstones.

dont remember names well. or faces. so facebook helps. to some extent.

yesterday, i spent 4 evening hours sitting on the same spot - staring at a fire garden. an arts installation which aimed to reach out to the public, the opening of an annual arts fest. met several interesting individuals during my short stay; fellow victorian batchmate with his wife, arts fest surveyor, ex paramedic-now-nyp student, *$ barista and gf and myself.

conversations in my head never cease to end. tiring they can be sometimes. haiz.

nyp has been very fun. kind individuals offered to show me around. managed to catch u with some close friends, made some new ones (:

i wish i have somepne to share the things which excite me. someone to care about my worries and woes. someone to bear with me when im down. someone who dare to be mine.

in return, i will celebrate her. every moment for the rest of her life.

mutual should our affection be and united are our destinations/purposes of life.

i pray to meet her soon.

sitting alone for 240minute. doesnt seem that long if you are not watching the time. if you are lost in thoughts. if you are me.

ok, saturday morning is coming to an end.

thank you God.

of references

2010-04-27T00:21:00.002+08:00

this is not about you

its about someone else.

i have yet to meet this person
but i know i will some day.

i hope the person is a girl
because with all due respect, i'm not that kind of guy.

she will be beautiful. she is beautiful.
i just haven't seen her yet.

she has the sweetest voice
and an angelic smile.

she will make each day worth living.

where is she? i don't know.
she doesn't even know she's her.

not yet. at least.

so if you happen to meet her,
tell her i'm waiting.

this time, for real...
no more games...

of inadequacy

2010-01-26T13:14:00.005+08:00

time runs out of itself too quickly these days
moments like this should be remembered
the self criticism - the lack of action
life is not meant to be wasted away

destruction carried by waves
water, heat, seismic and sound
forever is drawing to an end
soon before long, tomorrow will be a memory.

i wonder always of my salvation
fear for the unknown leaves us vulnerable
the world is a worthy distraction
yet many if not most fail to function

purpose meets action when intention is pure
then fate defeats common sense
and coincidence opens the door to miracles
thought is not enough - the spirit longs something more...

of yesterday and yesterdays

2010-01-10T16:51:00.002+08:00

i have a gathering of friends to attend but i guess i shall blog these thoughts before i leave the house.

yesterday, the Victoria School Concert Band batch of 2001 (VSCB '01) had our first gathering in eons. out of the 20, 11 present themselves. read that - 2001 - we survived Y2K, most of us had a nokia 3310 then, we saw the gruesome attacks of planes crashing into buildings, we had our conspiracy theories, we played our musical instruments like we were all going to be musicians one day - not realising that we are all already musicians.

everyone still look the same. smiles decorated the faces as one by one trickled to assigned spot of meet-up. once we reached critical mass, nasrin was the destination. and this band meeting had no agenda.

looking back yesterday, i missed the days of secondary school. much happened during those tumultuous years of adolescence. we spoke about friends who have passed on, those married and those achieving great heights.

those 9 years seem to have passed like seconds. felt like it was only yesterday that i jumped off the railings of the second corridor outside the band room. running to the fields for our traditional after-practice football game.

yet, reminiscing... i guessed many of us have grown much since those teenage adventures to the young men we are today. national service for most, globe-trotting for a good number, tertiary education for all but one...

i ended the evening taking the northbound train with jeremy nah. the bass clarinetist now dancer. we concluded that all of us grown. our perception of life has changed much. in that moment of conversation, i caught a glimpse of maturity,

i may not recall everything in the 24 years of my current life. that thought scared me somewhat. best i can do, is to make new memories that i will regret the rest of my life.

mint tea taste best with great company.

thank you farid, baorong, hanchuan, isa, wenchao, isaac, jeremy, jason, howboon, tianyi
{ and ashiq, firdaus, cherhao, zhihan, zhihong, steven, kienwee, zhaobin, shaun }

of real(ising reality)

2010-01-04T09:51:00.001+08:00

oh God, grant me company for that one who will make it real for me.
for the rest of our lives...

of breathe

2009-12-25T14:41:00.000+08:00

yes .. this is one my fav songs ever
dont ask why

of whatever

2009-12-25T13:57:00.001+08:00

i feel lost

of the quote of the year of the man of the moment

2009-12-08T15:59:00.002+08:00

"Saya malu, awak tahu tak? Kesemuanya melibatkan keluarga Melayu."

singlish translation -
im ashamed, you know or not? all these involve malay families

anyways - he's in the list of world's 500 most influential muslims 2009

of reality

2009-11-29T16:12:00.001+08:00

though my date of birth reads 20th January 1985

truth is - i began dying some 160 days before that.

of disclaimer

2009-11-25T23:30:00.002+08:00

everyone knows i like to complicate things.
but this one's complicated from the moment i got it.

and i still don't get it.

of everything

2009-11-20T13:25:00.000+08:00

And you play it coy but it's kinda cute.
Ah, when you smile at me you know exactly what you do.
Baby don't pretend that you don't know it's true.
'cause you can see it when I look at you.

of walls

2009-11-20T12:20:00.000+08:00

of repost of a repost

2009-11-18T17:29:00.001+08:00

samemistake:

I don't know if you're important.
yourwrite:

But you’re helping me with my life. You’re making my heart feel a little whole just from simple conversation. You’re making it seem like there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

And I thank you for that. So much. I don’t know why you talk to me, and share secrets. I don’t know if any of it matters. I don’t know if I should bother to like you.

But the fact that you’re such a great guy makes it all unimportant. I don’t care about feeling a certain way.

of father and son - then and now

2009-11-15T11:26:00.002+08:00

before

after

of wee early morning thoughts..

2009-11-12T06:31:00.000+08:00

not ready for love?

of mr wrong

2009-11-07T06:50:00.005+08:00

scroll the ipod
you would see
pictures of us

hidden albums
of me and you

ive tried to forget

ive tried to move on

ive even tried to hate you

all in vain

the heart is
too stubborn
to listen

and the mind
is in cahoots

the body
especially
the eye

suffer the most

the lips lie

the eyes tears

the aching hasnt stop

i love you
is painful
without too

of awal dan akhir

2009-11-01T15:22:00.002+08:00

i remember reading in a book that some scientist dude can tell the emotion someone is feeling by monitoring his brain activity. though he did say, that the most difficult to discern is between someone who is experiencing hatred or love. because the brain activity for both are the same. interesting right?

i love her. i loved her. she was the only one who got me all smitten. she taught me how to love again. and for a brief moment in my life, she taught me unconditional love. and she tested it well.

i gave up loving her. it was not fruitful. it was devastating. it was not love. it was torture. why do you try to be playful with me? why did you hug me on the train?

and that long-standing crush on mr perfect. come on. are you sure you are in love with him? you dont even know what love is... i am learning myself but from how i see you treat the person you " love " .. you are a long long way to appreciating true love.

you can induce the greatest sense of joy within me - the kind of ecstasy which will make one feel that life beyond all its trials and tribulations is worth the while and a second later you can plummet me down to the emotional hell of hatred and anger which will trigger a multitude of many many other negative feelings.

a girl like you is impossible to find.

the yo-yo string has finally snapped.

you are not my zahir. you are not my summer. you are not juliet nor khadijah.

you are a sunflower which grew out of the rock that i am. for a while, your presence beautify my stony surroundings until your roots slowly but surely crack open the rock and reduce me to bits and pieces of gravel.

pardon for the lousy writing and lousier content.
outburst. helps one deal with it. something something.

and yet i know, i am lying to the world....

of a dream

2009-10-21T11:24:00.009+08:00

they don't always meet or speak. 12 years of friendship has taught them to not get too caught up with the mniute details of the others' everyday life. it is not always just the 3 of them. sometimes, they'd be together with the rest of the batch. sometimes just 2. any 2 of the 3.

today, all 3 were present at his place. the room was dim. they didn't need much light. they don't read off scores. just feel the music and play. each held their instrument of choice firm yet allowing delicate movements of the fingers to produce what they hear as music. the trombonist on the bass, the cool guy on the guitar and he was on the drums. so they jammed.

faithful to their creed, they paused to perform their prayers. he led as he was host. all of them knew the routine. nomos shared by a billion others maybe less, maybe more. it was slightly past noon. only the glorifications which preceded movement were to be vocalised inclusive of the closing greetings. at the start of a new set, he heard someone talking but couldn't make out the words. distracted became the leader. the whole prayer could be in jeopardy. he had to do something to regain control. so he read the ranks out loud, defying tradition. then the voice interjected almost reprimanding, "saying it out loud doesnt make it right"

sound advice.

of passing thoughts

2009-10-20T12:33:00.004+08:00

im happy.
seriously i am.
and very thankful [ to GOD ] to be happy.
had 7 calls last night. and i did the case records for all 7 of them under the super-vision of the on-duty paramedic. good balance of medical and trauma. nothing too serious..

went home happy.

anyways bought 2 books prior to my shift. both translations of ghazali's works. one a gift for a very close friend who is far far away, the other for personal enrichment. was at the mosque prior to that, happily doing my solat with the jemaah. and before that i was sitting with a book, coffee, cheesecake and nicky alternating my attention between the written conversation of anna with the prince and watching them cute kids celebrating their youth with/in/at the fountain. this was right after my trip to the central lending library where i got 2 more books to add to the mobile library in my bag. decided to got there after i left the hospital. was there for my medical referral for my migraine. will be there again next week to get my head/brain scanned. happy to finally have the courage to go for further check-up.

happy that my mentor is finally allowing me to take calls and trust me to handle cases. ok.. not all of them but hey much progress (:

happy that i am still contributing as a harmony centre docent. last friday saw me and kak suhailah hosting a foreign diplomat. happy that right after, i was given the opportunity to contribute once again to the mosque youth. happy that i had a blast chatting over coffee and on a long bus ride. 2 of my favorite activities.

happy gilmore is me.

but i still hold strongly to the belief that happiness is a by-product. one may find happiness whilst participating in indiscriminate merry-making or indulging in the serenity of silence or whatever that ring one's bells..

so it is more important to pursue the source of happiness and be clear in its permanence and reliability: and in these matters nothing else beats seeking GOD. and finding happiness whilst doing so. (:

you taught me that that is possible but just being yourself and being happy (: i see it in your eyes and i wonder why i missed it the last time we spoke. not much a reader am i? truth be told, your re-emergence in my life is a reminder to me that GOD in all His Mercy and Grace, still Loves me. and that makes me happy.

i know some [ very few ] will realise that the prev post is missing. my apologies. had to bring it down. i was just way too happy that i may have exaggerated some descriptions.

i think a line shall suffice as a substitute -

Thank God for you ♥

when will you realise?
vienna waits for you

of closing words for the night

2009-09-29T01:36:00.001+08:00

Anak punai anak merbah,
Hinggap di tunggak mencari sarang.
Anak sungai lagikan berubah,
Inikan pula hati orang...

of monday monday..

2009-09-28T19:25:00.002+08:00

woke up with yes you've guessed it..
pounding headache.

no mood to do anything.
solat subuh then went to lie down hoping it'd get better
ended up sleeping till noon.

count that.
9pm - 6am
6.30am - 12pm
12.20pm - 2pm ?

slept more than the day away..

q:

doc gave me some real migraine meds

so far i've gotten

anarex
ponstan
nurofen
caffiene and ergotamine (latest)

will add links soon.
gotta go pray ..

pray for me.

of slack saturday

2009-09-27T02:13:00.002+08:00

spent the whole day at home.
in true bum fashion.

you will either find me at the computer or on the bed.
chose to not take any painkillers today because i don't wish to be dependent on them. bear with the pain je lah.

wish i was more productive but find it really hard to concentrate whilst doing anything. like now, head is throbbing but ill just chiong till the end of this post.

i wish my saturdays were beautiful. i remember a time when they were.

i hope its not brain tumour.

suddenly, death seems so near.

of "i just called to say ... "

2009-09-26T21:55:00.002+08:00

she called me just now.
i was sleeping actually. woke up few minutes later not from my phone ringing though. just woke up. saw that i had a missed call from her. so, i called back.

pleasant surprise to receive a phonecall from her. she asked about my migraine. she justified her call by mentioning that she did not reply an sms i sent out earlier in the day. asked her about her day, she mentioned going out with him. * by then, i have lost all mood to continue the conversation q:

it lasted for 2 minutes only. for the first few seconds, my heart smiled. (:

i know she'd be reading this sooner or later. doesnt matter.
too many how-to-get-yr-gf-back websites that i read ( months ago not now or recently ) tell me to not "display your emotions openly" but what the hey.. my intentions are not to get her back. just gotta record my thoughts. in case, the brain tumour kicks in q:

of a moment in time

2009-09-26T10:21:00.004+08:00

in front of his computer he sat, on the old office chair - an artifact salvaged from his dad's failed business. the bright light of the monitor shone on his back as he curl forward; elbows on laps, arms crossed, forehead on left wrist and the most excruciating pain on his head.

he let out a silent scream. the throbbing has invaded the entire head by now. fingernails slowly sinks into the forearms. his right arm escaped the tight wrap detouring for a quick massage on the scalp of the afflicted area before reaching out for the mouse. *click click. his eyes then peers up to the screen showing a private online photo album of smiles from yesterdays. yes her smile, the most powerful analgesic he knows.

he smiled.

of post, interrupted

2009-09-26T09:20:00.003+08:00

peace to the reader
and may your family be blessed
and may your dreams come true

i cannot concentrate long on most things nowadays.
mid way through an activity, something will strike me
no, not physically like a club or a hand nor something abstract like an idea or inspiration

but pain.. pain so frequent i decided to give it a name - mr migraine

been to the doc 2x in 2 weeks to stock up on painkillers.
currently on ibuprofen after trying 2 other drugs.

gotta bear with the pain whilst i wait for my appt @ AH next month

currently, i spend my days in SAF Medical Training Institute.
SCDF Paramedic Level 2 Training Course.
you see, SAF is the sole body in singapore authorised to give out paramedic certification as agreed with some agency in canada. so SCDF does our paramedic level 1, 2 and 3 training there.

but recently, there is the higher NITEC paramedic course and soon enough i hear, there will an advanced diploma for paramedics by a local polytechnic.. we'll see.

* the pain is starting again... *

guess ill stop here for now

soon.. pary for me.

of

2009-09-23T05:31:00.003+08:00

went to watch whatever works with hidayah (: (that's a lot of Ws)

fun to say the least.

will try to not spoil the show for those who wish to watch it.

basically, there's an old cynical suicidal genius who began the show yakking and breaking the 4th wall then picking up a naive young lady from the streets who he later marries.. what proceeded was their tale of their marriage and those close to them.

its about self-discovery and believing in fate ( he calls it random though ). of sorts. i think. doesnt matter. whatever works. q:

ok ok.. ultimately, its about a life philosophy which 'teaches one to embrace the current circumstances and make the best out of it believing that in some odd way, everything will fit into place.' - whatever works.

enjoyed it thoroughly, but its all just talk talk talk ( my kind of movie.. ) .. seriously.. its m18 for the stuff they talk about and some pics in a photo gallery - nothing more.

wonderful company to add. thanks dear. (:

"you just have to find all the enjoyment that you can get out of it." boris

of a post in a private blog

2009-09-21T12:31:00.001+08:00

this is stupid.

every waking moment of my life, i think of you.
i reminiscence about all the wonderful times we used to share.
yet i am also reminded of the bitter episodes of our relationship.

you have moved on. very well to add. in love with someone else.
he who is getting everything i was seeking,
acknowledgement in a public domain, hanging out with your friends, doing projects together, your mother's approval and ultimately, your love.. i cant help but envy.

i do not why i cannot stop loving you. not even by a bit.
i would do anything to make you happy. but truth is, you are already brimming with happiness; from your family, friends and him. all of whom are GOD's gifts..

i draw my happiness from making you happy. buying you gifts, helping you out, making you smile.

sadly i am but a distant memory. one you'd rather not have to do anything with.

of clearly hidden

2009-09-12T06:03:00.001+08:00

been having a blast these last few days.

but still..

i miss you to bits
like crazy
terribly

but i know you are happy.
so thats a consolation...

of my (edited) condition

2009-09-06T05:52:00.006+08:00

unconditional love:

means there is no need for
- replies
- "i miss/love you too"
- gifts in return
- mention of the wonderful things/times you share to anyone, on fb or her blog
- constant communication
- her to initiate conversations
- to share about her days/life/condition

means that

if unrequited; doesnt necessarily mean
it should lead to a one-sided love.

means

no conditions
no expectations
no needs
no concern for requital

just love.
in the name of the Most Loving

* yes, this is hard but i shall persevere...

of monday with the blues

2009-08-31T13:09:00.004+08:00

peace to all

im not happy right now.
funny how i was very fine last night and this morning though i had to stay back at work for an extra just finish up some paperwork which was i was informed about rather last minute. and last night, i had one of the most wonderful conversations with a close friend that i have had n a long long time. alhamduliLLAH for great friends.

was fine enough this morning to call another close friend; waking her up early so she has ample time to get ready before going for her final test paper..

was glad that my 50m mad dash for the bus (with my huge pseudo-parabag) was not in vain. managed to jump on board else i would have to wait another 20 minutes.

was trying to optimise the time i had on the bus, so read some verse from yaasin and a book about housekeeping.

got home smiling (a bit)

chatted with the most beautiful girl in the world (and the only one in my heart), trying to cheer her up. does she know that her smile is all i needed to brighten up my day..

but it wasnt me she wanted to cheer her up

im not her happy pill

thats one hard truth i need to swallow.

in other news,
my ramadan hasnt been as wonderful as i have hoped it to be. glitches here and there.. but pray i am blessed with the self-discipline to salvage it in the remaining days..

* is this the self-torture / self-hurt you were talking about?

of i could write better, i would.

2009-08-27T06:02:00.004+08:00

i want to write something on this blog. i want to express my thoughts in words written. i wish to archive my most intimate emotions. i want to remember me before. i wish to chart my growth as a human being.

- ramadan is here and i had vowed to make full use of it. but unfortunately, i have faltered much in the few days which preceded this post. so things are so difficult to let go. even when it seems that all odds are against you. you continue to believe.

stupidity or resilience. depends, some would would say.

love is a lesson i am still learning. life be my teacher.

i want to be happy.

i need to learn to control my temper.

patience is a virtue i have yet to internalise.

yah, i need to get ready for work.

of a short post

2009-08-20T19:07:00.002+08:00

been tweeting alot nowadays
rather be blogging.

anyways, ramadhan's coming..

this ramadhan, i am free-er to "focus" on myself insyaALLAH...

no girlfriends
no mosque activities
no excuses

will try to iftar @ nearby mosques before night duty
and do terawih in station / fire post.

complete the Qur'an
and fast well, insya ALLAH

may aLL our ibadah on this glorious month be accepted (:

qn: are you happy?
ans: im ok.. far from happy.. but that doesnt mean im sad.

ps: noone can make me smile like you do

of good will / dont mind the kiss

2009-07-25T11:52:00.005+08:00

i have always felt like good will hunting.
except that
i dont have a cute uber-smart girlfriend
im not good-looking like matt damon
i dont beat people up for fun
i dont solve ultra-complex maths problems in 1 day when professors take 2 years to crack them.
i dont lie about my family
im not undergoing counselling
i dont drive

ok.. so im not-so-like good will hunting. but its a great movie anyways. the few where the main actors were ones who wrote the script .. (:

oh wait.. im an autodidact just like will and i learnt that word on my own

Why shouldn't I work for the N.S.A.? That's a tough one, but I'll take a shot. Say I'm working at N.S.A. Somebody puts a code on my desk, something nobody else can break. Maybe I take a shot at it and maybe I break it. And I'm real happy with myself, 'cause I did my job well. But maybe that code was the location of some rebel army in North Africa or the Middle East.

Once they have that location, they bomb the village where the rebels were hiding and fifteen hundred people I never met, never had no problem with, get killed. Now the politicians are sayin', "Oh, send in the Marines to secure the area" 'cause they don't give a shit. It won't be their kid over there, gettin' shot. Just like it wasn't them when their number got called, 'cause they were pullin' a tour in the National Guard. It'll be some kid from Southie takin' shrapnel in the ass. And he comes back to find that the plant he used to work at got exported to the country he just got back from. And the guy who put the shrapnel in his ass got his old job, 'cause he'll work for fifteen cents a day and no bathroom breaks.

Meanwhile, he realizes the only reason he was over there in the first place was so we could install a government that would sell us oil at a good price. And, of course, the oil companies used the skirmish over there to scare up domestic oil prices. A cute little ancillary benefit for them, but it ain't helping my buddy at two-fifty a gallon. And they're takin' their sweet time bringin' the oil back, of course, and maybe even took the liberty of hiring an alcoholic skipper who likes to drink martinis and f**kin' play slalom with the icebergs, and it ain't too long 'til he hits one, spills the oil and kills all the sea life in the North Atlantic.

So now my buddy's out of work and he can't afford to drive, so he's got to walk to the f**kin' job interviews, which sucks 'cause the shrapnel in his ass is givin' him chronic hemorrhoids. And meanwhile he's starvin', 'cause every time he tries to get a bite to eat, the only blue plate special they're servin' is North Atlantic scrod with Quaker State.

So what did I think? I'm holdin' out for somethin' better. I figure f**k it, while I'm at it why not just shoot my buddy, take his job, give it to his sworn enemy, hike up gas prices, bomb a village, club a baby seal, hit the hash pipe and join the National Guard? I could be elected president.

Will Hunting

of 2 weeks plus

2009-07-18T08:54:00.002+08:00

the days are just weird.
like a fantastic sequence of haphazardly associative images

but i gotta run now.
gotta do my wee bit for the world.

"walking down this endless road and
never knowing where i was going
till now, when i first
saw your smile.

the nights been colder.
as i get older.
dont wanna be alone
with noone to hold on.

the days been longer.
strive to be stronger
to make ends meet
and stay up on my feet

yes i know, life is full
of uncertainties
shine your light of guidance; save me
from my miseries"

- unfinished -

of step 1

2009-07-03T08:46:00.007+08:00

some things in life you just dont get over,
you just learn to bear with the pain..

spent the evening @ al-mawaddah: maghrib, yaasin, tahlil, -then dzul came along- isyak and nasi briyani (: solace? close.

then we zoomed off to the mac @ anchorvale sports ctr. cool place. would love to go swimming there someday. insya ALLAH.

got ourselves the new mac cinnamon melts and iced milo. and we started our scrabble duel! hahaha. dzul began his fascination with scrabble quite a while ago. q: hahaha. its ok. i lose 1-2. and thats also after we shifted location to rivervale plaza mac - anchorvale mac was too cold for dzul. no prob for me, i had my cool fourskin biker jacket on (:

the night continued with updates on our lives i.e. love interest(of the lack of) , emotional states, family, job and etc. i can really opened up to dzul though we seriously have nothing in common. two totally different people with different perspectives on life and how to live. but he is a cool guy to hang out with.

so the night ended with ice-cream from 7-eleven - always close, never closed : someone once told me - and us falling asleep under the void deck hahaha.

took the first bus home. did subuh. switched on comp only to realise that net's down.
the following are steps i took to identify the root cause of the problem.

1. called 1633 - operator assured the modem's ok. advised to isolate the connection i.e. direct from modem to comp and not thru router.

2. did as advised which meant i needed to shift my modem completely and pull the cable off as my comp was 5 m away from the modem and wireless router - attempt unsuccessful -

3. realise that comp unable to detect dns server- tried to refresh via network connections and ipconfig/registerdns a gazillion times attempt unsuccessful -

4. change modem - only because i have an old one, also from starhub - attempt unsuccessful -

5. called 1633 again - informed that "we have calls from yishun with the same issue. we have informed our technicians. you may leave your number and we will call you back once its back on."

6. net back (: in 1 hours time. alhamduliLLAH.

- and im still bearing with the pain -
and suddenly im missing snowflake and cheri

of happiness ii

2009-07-02T13:22:00.003+08:00

i shall resign to the fact that i may never find
true happiness for myself
except by God's Grace.

you were clearly GodSent.
and the imperfections within me drove you away.

you managed to find happiness once again
while i am left with a broken heart

a blessing lost is a curse gained.

least i can do now, is try to make everyone else happy.
and try my best i will.

hope or no hope.
not the point anymore.

of happiness

2009-07-02T01:19:00.003+08:00

There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved.
George Sand

i have so much to be thankful for.
wonderful friends.
a job i dont dread.
a resilient family.
the opportunities to contribute back to society.

all these and more..

but i don't seem to be happy.
and i know why.

God, lift this burden off my heart.

anyway, George Sand is a pseudonym
the real person, Amandine Aurore Lucile Dupin
was French female novelist, the first major.

if only i knew French.

Je suis en manque de toi

of friends

2009-06-28T14:11:00.002+08:00

"In a perfect friendship ... Appreciative love is, I think, often so great and so firmly based that each member of the circle feels, in his secret heart, humbled before all the rest. Sometimes he wonders what he is doing there among his betters. He is lucky beyond desert to be in such company. Especially when the whole group is together, each bringing out all that is best, wisest or funniest in all the others."

i don't usually find myself comfortable or fitting in a clique of friends. rather have 1-on-1 friendships. but the people i hung out with last night were exceptional.

thank God for them (:

of conv #2

2009-06-26T23:11:00.001+08:00

the boy woke up, rubbed his eyes then ran out.. "oh blue sky, i had a bad bad dream last night. "

then in a moment of awe and inspiration, the boy looked up to the blue sky, smiled and said 'thank you'.

the boy knows its going to be dark soon. he takes a deep breath, looks up to the sky and say ' i have to learn to let go '

as he was walking home, the boy was reminded of his loss. he looked up only to see the moon smiling back at him. he prays that he will see the blue sky tomorrow.

of conv #1

2009-06-25T14:44:00.000+08:00

so he spoke to the sky, why are you so blue? and it replied '..........' skies dont talk back, he learnt today.

so he continues his conversation, "so where do all the sparkling dots go? i never did finish joining the dots the night before. now i have to start all over again tonight."

of letting go and moving on

2009-06-25T11:50:00.002+08:00

its been more than 2 months.
she's happy with him.

i should let go.
i should move on.

he's everything she seeks in a guy i suppose.
everything i wasn't when i was with her.

doesn't matter that i'm better now.
she doesn't love me anymore.

friends keep telling me to stop hoping.
maybe i will.

whatever may lies ahead for me...
i pray that i will never lose hope
in God's Great Plan for me...

* takes a deep deep breath
faith in fate.

of 30 moons

2009-06-23T04:22:00.004+08:00

last few days were spent well
doing the things i love doing

- conducting harmony centre visits
- breakfast @ the airport; treating bday girl
- rush rush rush hahaha
- impromptu nature park visit
- interfaith project meeting
- re-kindling old flames
- hanging with best man-to-be
(i dont have a candidate for bride but i alr got my best man.. hahaha.. )
- having ice-cream with cute girls
- pampering a loved one with a gift she was longing for
- work (: ( whats not to love about saving lives..? )
- invoke.sg : planning and on-the-ground reporting
- work somemore
- sleepover @ taman johor!!
- interviews cum deeper conversations.. hahaha
- window shopping for my new baby
- finally getting my THREADLESS Tee
- hanging out in the library whilst catching up
- tuition @ platina (: love the boys
- planning for a radical social enterprise
- going to the airport to welcome a friend from down under [read: fazafirdafirdayu]
- spending quiet time @ coffee bean reading tolstoy
- got smuggled onto some company transport q:
- coming home safe and doing my evening prayers in my room

for everything else,
God grant me strength and patience
lots of it.

of self-torment in the purest form

2009-06-21T00:43:00.002+08:00

i just died.

this is not me
with immediate effect.

of distractions

2009-06-20T23:54:00.002+08:00

have much on my plate.
but thank God, im coping well. (:

just need to make sure i get my rest.

being busy isnt enough to distract me from an aching heart.
but thank God, im coping well.

have much on my plate.
would be nice to have someone feeding me.

decisions are subjected to capricious nature of selves.
2 days, 2 souls, 2 months after... thank you.

of picture perfect love

2009-06-17T10:10:00.001+08:00

baby, im so gonna make you mine!

of yuna and the truth is

2009-06-09T20:21:00.003+08:00

dan sebenarnya

Oh bulan
jangan layan diriku lagi
pabila, air mata membasahi pipi
dan lagu2 di radio seolah2 memerli aku
pabila, kau bersama yang lain

adakah perasaan benci ini sebenarnya cinta
yang masih bersemadi untukmu
dan sebenarya ku mengharapkan
di sebalik senyumanmu itu
kau juga merindui aku

ku enggan
berpura pura ku bahagia
ku enggan
melihat kau bersama si dia
oh ku akui cemburu
telah menular dalam diri
pabila, kau bersama yang lain

adakah perasaan benci ini sebenarnya cinta
yang masih bersemadi untukmu
dan sebenarya ku mengharapkan
di sebalik senyumanmu itu
kau juga merindui aku

pabila kau merenung matanya
ku rebah,
jatuh ke bumi
di saat kau benar-benar mahu pergi
seperti ku bernafas dalam air

adakah perasaaan benci ini sebenarnya cinta
yang masih bersemadi untukmu
dan sebenarya ku mengharapkan
di sebalik senyuman mu itu kau juga merindui aku
oh

of smiles and tears

2009-06-09T14:06:00.001+08:00

one masks the other.

of wise knowledge

2009-06-08T12:57:00.004+08:00

The most difficult subjects can be explained to the most slow-witted man if he has not formed any idea of them already; but the simplest thing cannot be made clear to the most intelligent man if he is firmly persuaded that he knows already, without a shadow of doubt, what is laid before him.

Leo Tolstoy

how the knowledgeable may not necessarily have wisdom
nor may the wise be necessarily have full knowledge.

of new beginnings and written goals

2009-06-02T09:17:00.003+08:00

* watch this space *

dont wanna jinx it by revealing too early
hahaha

of

2009-05-31T17:23:00.003+08:00

"It's like catching lightning
the chances of finding someone like you"

nah.. its like being struck by lightning. ...

of my promise to always be there for you

2009-05-28T11:57:00.006+08:00

of the things ive lost

2009-05-27T16:52:00.007+08:00

a smile is such a funny thing
it wrinkles up your face
but when its gone, you'd never find
its secret hiding place.

Daylight
See the dew on the sunflower
And a rose that is fading
Roses whither away
Like the sunflower
I yearn to turn my face to the dawn
I am waiting for the day . . .

...

Daylight
I must wait for the sunrise
I must think of a new life
And I musn't give in
When the dawn comes
Tonight will be a memory too
And a new day will begin

of message indirect

2009-05-26T18:54:00.004+08:00

im worried for my friend...

though its the holidays, you have much school stuff on your hands.
that coupled with the situation you family is facing.

i wish you well.
and pray that ALLAH grant you and your family strength.

ps: dont forget to use the cathay vouchers before they expire

of the path revealing itself

2009-05-24T06:02:00.003+08:00

wrote 3 mid term goals a few months back
whilst listening to a tony robbins track.

2 of them had their first defining step
to achieving these goals miraculously happening on thursday.

ok ok .. i did some initial planning.
nonetheless, all Praises be to Allah, the Best of Planners.

(:

gotta have patience

bubbye..
got patients. q:

of the reflections after

2009-05-20T10:38:00.002+08:00

the last two nights have been rather boring.
all except one were medical cases; dad sick, mother unresponsive and the likes.

all very serious cases..
each patient had their own set of multiple complications.
cancer, pneumonia, hypertension, diabetes and the list goes on.

didnt get that thrill and adrenaline pump i was hoping for.
instead i felt rather disappointed after the cases.
felt that i didnt do enough... as in many medical cases...
the best an ambulance crew can do is to ensure patient is stable,
transport to hospital and hand over to the A&E Dept.

but this morning as i was returning back to station in the ambulance,
i thought what can i learn from these cases?

i recalled the reactions of many of the old patients' children.
some were hysterical, " i give up... i cant do this anymore.. its been 3 years.. "
some were verbally expressed their concern, " can the hospital please put him on priority"

one i remembered..
mother had decreased sugar level, he did best by trying to feed her glucose tablets.
paramedic set IV of dextrose to increase her blood sugar level.
he was walking in and out of the room, preparing for their ride to the hospital.
soft-spoken and clearly not very well himself, he whispered to his mum when we requested that he tell her to not move her arm where the iv was set.

i dont have the best of relationships with my dad.
i think in the last 1 week, we spoke no more than 10 words to each other in total.

those close to me would know that i have always wanted to be a father.
to have children of my own; to show them the world, to groom them into good human beings who would strive to make the world a better place for all.

but before i can be a good father,
i need to learn to how to be a good son.

God, grant me strength and patience.

of alpha want to too

2009-05-17T01:12:00.003+08:00

=)
enjoying my ambulance attachment as i hope i would

even got a chance to take a call
i.e. be in charge of the case beyond merely observing..

calling - maybe not?
no reason for me not to make the best of it.
and thus far, it has been fulfilling. alhamduliLLAH.

now im showing signs and symptoms of sleepiness.
treatment - lie down, close eyes, recites quls and doa then await entry into lala land.

see you there.

of random writings

2009-05-13T00:12:00.002+08:00

hope is all i have right now.
not too sure what im hoping for.
hope for better, hope for good.

mere existence is bliss if one has very low expectations
expectations can numb us sometimes
from appreciating the gifts we were given

everything on earth is a gift
nothing really belongs to us
not even ourselves

we are merely existing for a greater purpose
the purpose of balance

because within all of us is chaos
of desires and values
emotions and intellect
love and lust

yet with these gifts, we are granted a special role
caretaker
vicegerent
steward

some transgress as their deeds are etched in history
others inspire the many of us to do otherwise

the world is not suffering because of the works of the evil people,
it is suffering because the good people are not doing enough....

stand up, be counted.
before
the final stand
the final count

reminder to self first
God, grant me strength and patience
lots of it

of plan and simple

2009-05-12T11:27:00.005+08:00

i didnt plan to pray / have dinner with you that fateful night
nor did i plan to embark on the most amazing journey of love

i didnt plan for us to be so close
till i realise that life is complete with you around

i didnt plan to make you cry those times i did
but i did and tears i did shed too myself

i didnt plan to get my heart broken several times by the same person
so i thought id just accept the bad with the good

i didnt plan to know almost everything about you
and yet still be so so interested to find out more

i didnt plan for it to sour so bad that you think its impossible
after uttering the promises of being there for each other forever

i didnt plan for you to meet someone else
what more in the week of i faced those devastating failures

i didnt plan for goodbye, though ive mentioned it
because all my promises still apply

i didnt plan all these but im sure someONE did.
and He continues to plan.

so today, i plan to follow His Plan.

of early mornings

2009-05-11T04:39:00.002+08:00

in 3 hours time, i should be in alex fire stn, insya aLLAH.
i should be happier.

im doing fine just not top of my game i guess.
i have been making alot of i statements in this blog.

good morning, good afternoon, good evening, good night..

of waking up

2009-05-10T06:16:00.003+08:00

woke up feeling not too good

first thoughts -
gotta get up to do solat
oh no, i fell asleep midway chatting with so many people on msn
GOD, i miss her so so much

called her to just make sure she wakes up for class
got rejected 2x. at least i know she's awake (:

its mother's day
kissed my mum goodbye as she left for work
will bring her out sometime next week, just me and her

i once thought i had found the future mother of my unborn kids
well, certainty belongs only to God..
humans just strive to live life best they can.

good morning world.

of inspiration under the friday noon sun

2009-05-08T14:13:00.003+08:00

"And certainly, We shall test you with something of fear, hunger, loss of wealth, lives and foods, but give glad tidings to As-Sabirun (The patient ones). Who, when afflicted with calamity, say: “Truly! To Allah S.W.T we belong and truly, to him we shall return.” 2: 155-156

inna liLLAHi wainnaa ilaihi raji'un

of early morning

2009-05-08T06:29:00.002+08:00

i wish i could happier for myself.

she's happy with someone else
- she said that she doesnt want to keep contact

so am i clinging on? no?

he's getting all that i long for.
- being amongst friends
- doing projects together
- being loved by her

so am i jealous? no?

i feel lonely
oh.. how i long for companionship..

so am i looking for love or looking to be in love? either/neither?

i am sad
i wish i could be happier

i think im doing my heart injustice.

i shouldnt be crying for getting my heart broken
it is my frail iman i should question.

gotta go get my paramedic 1 cert
yea..

crazy weekend ~!

2009-05-04T01:52:00.004+08:00

quick round up of my weekend.

sat - slack!
dozed off right after sbh all the way till 2pm!! hahaha
sis made soto ayam <-- nice!
mimi's bday - strange thing how i could recall on the day itself.
w/o the help of fb or fs. (:
didnt get to meet him
pl in evening. lovin them boys (:
watched chelsea vs fulham 1st half

sun - run around/away
0600: left home
0630: watched marhaban @ esplanade - abg ewan, khalif, adiel and geng
0830: breakfast @ mac
0900: travelled to cck
1000: collect dumbbells from kenny's place * thanks a million bro
1030: bought kappa hi-cut / cotton on polos and tee
1130: home
1230: left for sk
1300: dz session
1430: cikjum's - apply passport for sumo
1530: lunch? nasi ayam @ cikjum's
1600: left for farrer park
1645: masjid angullia
1700: met bday boy - haq-amania
1730: simlim sq * bought ram with bday boy
1815: marina sq
1830: esplanade - marhaban 2nd session * met nrulz and amin(fiancé)
18++: met nenek, en sinwan and wife, liy and toy, hafiz jak
1930: left for tamp with haq (who was heading to pasri ris)
2000: arrive @ tamp - met up with remy and b
2010: conned by remy to meet NI and NYPMSN alumni. ate spaghetti
2100: celebrated Asrul, Imran and Mokhsin bday.
fiza, maryam, marliyana, wani, sq, sarah, fadz, mardhiah, wanis, ishak, fong, fidd
2145: x men origins wolverine with b [ minus remy ): ]
2345: last bus home
1225: safe home
0200: sleep

0600: wake up
0730: nee soon camp - fifth last day q:

of being left out of hanging out

2009-05-02T07:33:00.001+08:00

* read on twitter:

gonna meet and lepak with yishunites in their 'hood. With our lappies.
about 15 hours ago

hey.. i live in yishun?
ohwell.. igiveup..

of new beginnings (:

2009-04-30T18:01:00.003+08:00

hey hey hey ..
me gonna start blogging again.. insya ALLAH..
read thru old old posts from a shared blog..
realised i went thru alot...
so before i start to forget these days, ill post them up (:

wed night -

yet another swine flu "briefing"
then went sk .. took train down south after
with no apparent plans. found out she had silat
but didnt want to meet after because she's going home with nadz. ._.

so i bounced and went back up north.
but there she was in the train with nadz.
same carriage a row of seats apart

exchanged smses..
told her i was sad - "Sorry I can't do anything about it. Cheer up though(:"

so near yet so far. got off @ bishan to talk.
passed her those letters. got on the next train.

i know that im no longer the one you turn to
and you dont wish to be there for me like you did before.
just unfortunate for me to be facing a heartbreak
whilst you have someone to love and to hold.

GOD, grant me strength and patience ( lots of )

in yishun, met dzul - went round and round on his bike while trying to figure out where to hang out. finally decided, lower seletar reservoir. (:

7 years of friendship.. (: all those nights we hungout midway from yr place and mine. hahaha. thanks bro...

had - chicken ham and cheeses sandwich * which i shared with ngiao (stray cat turned night companion )
mini-cornettos ( cookies and cream and black forest)
shark
iced lemon tea

chat a bit , played with ngiao..
ohya, dropped by gents as we made our way back.
guy exited as we entered followed by girl?!?!!

dzul: " how do they do it? kotor (dirty) sey.." hahahha

impossible..

thursday
day went fine i guess
got my posting - alexandra fire stn (:
Last IV: one shot one kill * best attempt ever !!
got home, bro got bike fixed..

so.... right after my maghrib and yaasin,
i went for a ride. 2 1/2 hours total
yishun-lentor-amk-bishan-sinming-upper thomson-sembawang-yishun (:

more of a goodbye ride
grandma's old place.
my old residence circa 1991
the mosque
her place
bishan fire stn

i miss nenek ):

friday (labour day )

went solat as trio (:
bro, bro-in-law + me...
khutbah was abt harmonious family (how apt..)

then sk then platina..
awkward cuz her family was there. hahaha.
moving on..

of(t) repeated in blogs

2009-04-26T05:12:00.000+08:00

If you love someone, ask them for nothing. Don’t hold them back from their destiny. Don’t keep them from going off in search of their own answers. Don’t ask them for commitment. You will know commitment is real when it is something given willingly, and not as something obligatory. Don’t ask them for promises. If you are patient, if you have faith, you will know in your heart when the right time for promises has come.

And when that time arrives, then you will see that you have both lost nothing by setting each other free, and have instead gained a richer, fuller life, a wealth of experiences, and a stronger certainty of your desires.

But should they not return to you, then life hasn’t cheated you because no promises were broken. Your bitterness will not last long, and you will feel thankful and blessed that at the very least, this beautiful soul has colored your life, that knowing them has already made life infinitely more meaningful.

By setting a person free, you run a risk of them not returning. But always remember that you found them beautiful precisely because they were free. People are like sunlight. You can feel their warmth, and their glow, but you can’t hold them in your hand and keep them with you forever. People CHOOSE to stay. But a choice is made more meaningful when it is made despite so many other options. Love has no restrictions and it is through mistakes that sometimes we see the right answer. Because if you love someone, you ask them for nothing and they will come back to you.

of taking stock (index)

2009-04-25T06:48:00.003+08:00

salam..

the last 2 weeks of my life have been the most enlightening.
i realised so many things about myself within such a short span of time.

yes, it was painful.. at times, devastating but i persevered on.

thank you all who took time and effort to spare a bit of themselves
and their lives to be there for me. May God reward you all.

truth is.. im not happy right now.

i am aware.

happiness as i have experienced many times before tend to be fleeting.
and the source of my happiness tend to also inflict negative emotions on me.

i am wary of feeling happy too soon.

i am calm yes. that is important, i believe.
i have a glimpse of what i wish to be.
yet i am open to embrace what lies in my path.

i need to re-affirm my life-guiding principles.
been swaying too much. been slacking too much.

there are opportunities abound for me. there have always been...
but today, i will concentrate on those i can do
and do well.

no use delving into matters where i will end up
being a dabbler.. worse still, touch-and-go ..

i sincerely believe that all these are lessons
from the Absolute One to steer me back on course.

i am grateful.

human beings are ultimately "beings of process."
you cannot insert an input and expect an instant result.

human beings need time to grow and learn.
nothing is easy to the unwilling.

i am aware now.

i am convicted.

to the pursuit of self-betterment
spiritually
physically
materially
psychologically
intellectually
emotionally
socially

and the best thing is, i know i might crash again one day.
might.. but when i do, id be ready to bounce back up.

the yoyo string has finally snapped.

~ reflections of a boy.

of (fun)erals

2009-04-04T01:11:00.000+08:00

of dedication

2009-03-28T15:20:00.002+08:00

how i longed for her to write a post about me..
and she knows this also..

how the little things i do makes her smile
how i persisted to be there for her though at times i become a punching bag.
how i take note of each and every of her cravings.

but i am her secret.
she doesnt even talk to her friends about me

i am her teddy bear
- hugs when she's tired or scared, celebrates with when she accomplished something, sponge for her tears when she cries..

but day-to-day, the teddy bear sits alone on the shelf at times neglected, most times ignored.

ok.. its not that bad..

we still consider each other as bestest friends.
and she is still the only one who cares enough to listen to my rants,
the one who actually cares enough to ask me how i am beyond
than just asking for favours..

she is my sunflower
she brightens my world with her smile
she is my test of unconditional love
she motivates me to a better man tomorrow than the person i am today

most importantly, she loves me.

though she may only say it in private.
may never ever profess her love to her friends what more the world

i can deal with that, as long as i know that her love is sincere.

she may be mean at times,
but dont we all have those sides/days.
when we just don't give a damn about anything else
but our own selfish needs and demands..

she is but human. imperfect as we all are
and all i can give her; is the promise
to love her perfectly.

and i do love her.. with all my heart and soul..

of sad sad sad

2009-03-28T14:15:00.001+08:00

strange how i usually blog only when im sad/down/heartbroken

well here's another post of such..

sad

sad

sad

and lonely

GOD knows best.

of being bitter

2009-02-20T11:02:00.002+08:00

i tried my best to be the sweetest person i could be

but you know whats worse than

not being loved or
being hated or
being ignored or
loving a one sided love?

it is to be in love and to share happy moments together
and then told - that was all forced and insincere

thank you anyway.
cuz at least for one brief moment in my life
i was in love

now im just bitter

of change imminent

2009-02-18T10:02:00.003+08:00

soon .. soon . will this skin be shed and a new one will grow.

soon .. soon . will i learn to stop playing that awful game of self-torture

soon .. soon . will everything end and all you have is your past

till then, ill just be nice.
stabbed kicked insulted

i wont fight back.
i wont inflict the same injuries
i will just be nice

and it will be just nice ..

change

2009-01-29T17:04:00.003+08:00

look out for an overhaul of this blog!!!

(:

thanks remy for the skin..

of human rights and standing by you

2008-12-11T11:01:00.000+08:00

2008-12-10T02:20:00.000+08:00

of

2008-10-31T02:21:00.002+08:00

i havent been writing here for a long while. wont try to make this a long article.

peace be upon all reading,

unsettled -

im not in school though now more than ever, i feel im ready to back to school
when i was accepted, i rejected the offer
then when i re-applied, i was rejected

how? q;

still with my many many projects - most voluntary...
i wonder if this is how i will live my life.

but some things in life, i am very certain of.
but she is not so certain.

so ill wait.

how long before i really tell myself -
do this and stick with it!

but truth is im not dabbling,
i am quite focused in specific niche areas
with are inter connected.

but some ends just dont meet.
would a reasonable man set up his own heart break.

i have faith.

i have faith that things will turn out ok..
and if they dont, then whatever, its not meant to happen q:

ok thats all folks.
if you understand, good
if you dont, even better - talk to me to find out.

dont have many friends nowadays..
many are in hiding, some forgot and a small number dead

its ok.. i was never a good friend to begin with.

i apologise
for the human being that i am.

and will the man with the sound mind please lower the volume.
i am trying to find the sq root of pi.
i am trying to find happyness
i am trying to find a job
i am trying to find myself

in order of priority

of prayers

2008-10-04T11:11:00.002+08:00

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

God grant me the quietude
to not be noticed when im around;
and not be missed when im gone.

God grant me the straight path;
path of those whom have earned Your Grace;
not the path of those who have earned Your Anger
or gone astray.

God grant me the insight
of matters that concerned me, my religion, my livelihood and the consequences of my affairs.

God grant me the guidance
to make the best choice in every decision.

God grant me the strength
to live life as it is to be lived.

God grant me the remembrance of death
as i lived each day.

God grant me the faith
of a true believer when death embraced me.

God forgive my sins.

God forgive the sins of both my parents and my grandmother.

God please bless them with showers of blessings and grant them true faith.

For there is no Power and Might but Yours Alone.
to You Alone i worship and from You Alone i seek help.

Amin

of smile-lessnessness

2008-09-15T11:01:00.002+08:00

the past few weeks were great..
thank GOD and
thanks to all who made it great..

the past 20months plus plus have been a roller coaster ride
i like roller coaster rides.

i like to rock the boat

as a matter of fact, i have been doing things i like, i love.
but i am not happy, i am not smiling

i like to learn how to smile again

oh God, verily the month of Ramadhan is full of tests and challenges
if this be Your test for me, then endow me with the strength to pull this thru.

even a smile is charity,
but i am beggar
even a smile i cant afford

of everything "in my life"

2008-07-29T17:32:00.000+08:00

of pursuing yr dreams

2008-07-28T00:04:00.002+08:00

working on unify.sg and aflaha.com

pray for me.

i miss you

of many things

2008-07-18T02:19:00.005+08:00

i always complain that im tired and im busy,

but truth is im always distracted.
but distraction is not always bad...

1. connect the dots
- sometimes you do/experience something which you think is irrelevant but hey you will only connect the dots much much later,

like understanding your army when he burst into tears but only because you've been in his shoes before.

so it could be
- gaining extra kilos that you dont want
- getting rejected (by girls and universities)
- losing
- getting something you dont want

it will all make sense sooner or later.

< GOD's plan is so much more beautiful and in perfect order as compared to the plans of humans, so always seek HIS Guidance >

2. love and lost

sometimes you put in all yr bl**dy effort on something only to lose it or not get what you want out of it. well? tough...

// every new beginning comes from another beginning's end.

if you really love that thing you love, continue to pursue it any means possible. losing is just GOD's way of testing/telling you there's a better way.

3. death

// Death is the best invention of life

// Those who remember death the most, and those who are best prepared for what comes after it. These are the intelligent ones

// if you live each day as if its your last, someday you most certain be right.

i dont know what's exactly happens to a person after death but im pretty sure that i wont be doing the things that im doing when im alive.

so what should you do when you're alive? GOD placed a compass within us (fitrah) to help guide us, its handed to the generations after adam for he was the first to receive GOD's breath.
beyond that, GOD has sent the last messenger with the recitations, and this suffice, the deen is complete. the deen for the dunia and after.

so dont hate yourself.
love yourself be what ever your size/skin colour/age/available body parts/or those in optimal condition/talents/family/environment/socio-economic status/name/gender/inclinations..

you're made in GOD's image

all these i gain while being distracted by
Stanford Commencement Speech 2005

and I LOVE YOU, GOD LOVES YOU~!

// butterflies dont know the colour of their wings but the human eyesknow how nice it looks. Likewise, you dont know how special you are but others would

of saying what you mean and meaning what you say

2008-05-24T10:32:00.002+08:00

peace upon all reading.

it has been very quiet unless you click on the embedded youtube videos q:
i haven't been writing only because i have been too busy to blog about my life.

i am still too busy but i just pulled myself out of my busyness to just be with myself. life's not easy i realise. you make mistakes which sometimes are irreversible and you change people in ways you never could imagine.

people you love.

dont try to decipher my words. i just needed to let it out. i know there are some sites which link to my blog and people can just drop in after clicking that with my name and be shocked to read such a confession of sorts. so worry not. it may not as extreme as you think. but it is to me.

i lost my idealism, i am scarred by my actions, i fear for my future and which ever door opens in front of me only beget more obstacles.

and guess what? im alone. i pray that GOD in His Infinite Mercy will shower His Blessings despite the fact that i have failed to follow His Commands and avoid His Prohibitions.. its tough. and im alone.

maybe i need to be alone to learn. maybe i needed to leave this pain to learn. maybe this is the bounce up after hitting rock bottom. i want to be better for sure.

haha. im just rambling. and ill post this up to just remind myself of my state of mind today. i pray to get better. i pray we all will get better. my life is not as difficult as the life of one who is living in a disaster area, oppressed or in a war. that much i should be thankful for. alhamduliLLAH, i am so blessed in many many ways. yet i am alone. but won't we all be the day we face our Lord.

of hurt

2008-04-26T08:42:00.002+08:00

I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but I remember everything
what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt

I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
upon my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
beneath the stains of time
the feelings disappear
you are someone else
I am still right here

what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt

I will let you down
I will make you hurt

if I could start again
a million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

video

try not to decipher why i am placing these songs on my blog.

of walking the line

2008-04-25T11:34:00.001+08:00

I keep a close watch on this heart of mine
I keep my eyes wide open all the time.
I keep the ends out for the tie that binds
Because you're mine, I walk the line

I find it very, very easy to be true
I find myself alone when each day is through
Yes, I'll admit that I'm a fool for you
Because you're mine, I walk the line

As sure as night is dark and day is light
I keep you on my mind both day and night
And happiness I've known proves that it's right
Because you're mine, I walk the line

You've got a way to keep me on your side
You give me cause for love that I can't hide
For you I know I'd even try to turn the tide
Because you're mine, I walk the line

I keep a close watch on this heart of mine
I keep my eyes wide open all the time.
I keep the ends out for the tie that binds
Because you're mine, I walk the line

of "rage's not dead"

2008-01-28T21:46:00.000+08:00

when you are down and you just need something to pick you up.
some people depend on people,
and there's always and i mean always GOD...
but at times you may
have a dose of caffiene
treat yourself
read something inspirational

for me,
i listen to rage against the machine.

Like autumn leaves
His sense fell from him
An empty glass of himself
Shattered somewhere within
His thoughts like a hundred moths
Trapped in a lampshade
Somewhere within
Their wings banging and burning
On through endless nights
Forever awake he lies shaking and starving
Praying for someone to turn off the light

Born of a broken man
But not a broken man
Born of a broken man
Never a broken man

of that qn again

2007-12-15T05:51:00.000+08:00

so,

remind me again, why we are doing this?

just finished watching the project zip gathering video.
always managed to put in a melancholy mood.

will post it up soon.

a mentor of mine once said (of sorts):

it is not about trying to do many things at one time.
only to have all half done/cooked
try to stick one project and make it pull thru.

years later, i saw his "one of his projects" not getting through
so i wonder... other factors such as human dynamics aside.

my current endeavours / "woes"...
- work @ the harmony centre (which i lurve so so much though im only a temp)
- aflaha.com which is hanging for now
- themvac : just had a showcase/sales booth @ en-naeem family carnival
- registering an interfaith youth group asap
- semi-active exco member of fmsa
- nady (an-nahdhah youth) working on t&d and heading media and publicity

these on top of my responsibilities both given and acquired
muslim, son, favourite grandson, brother, friend, boyfriend, bff, citizen and human being

plus my endless yet frequently disrupted pursuit of self betterment.

nad says the blog serves to updated those we dont usually talk to of our lives
so now you are informed...

dont get me wrong, im happy.
very happy. but a bit sad at the same time.

awareness of reality like story of stuff, global warming and miniature earth makes me a tad sad.

back to my qn: why are we doing this again?

doing what? everything sir/ma'm, everything that we do.

in my reading of faith (and i may be wrong...)
i found out that all faiths have 3 ultimate truths

1. that all human beings have within them a divine entity or part thereof
2. self-accountability of deeds and actions. though some extend the concept to offspring and generations after and others include the concept of divine mercy
3. responsibility of human beings to do good and be good and refrain from doing bad

wow~!

i happen to know my purpose of life.
which unfortunately is rather neglected when i make decisions.

what is yours? do you also neglect it in the everyday decisions you make?

reminder to self first and then others:
decide to do good and not to bad in every given opportunity

give your seat (on the bus and train and public areas) to those who needs it more
flush after use
share your food/drink/wealth/joy/smile
greet/say good things
be honest/tactful/gentle/nice/sincere
love/care/be tender
most importantly; pause before you play

i believe if we do all these conscientiously
we will get it,
we will know why we are doing this.

at least i believe so.
if im wrong then sorry. i still love you. (:

of (i cant think of a title)

2007-11-22T14:25:00.000+08:00

i dont know..

all i know is i want/need is someone to figure me out.

interested parties may email me
psy.fool@gmail.com

thank you for your time

of what i wanna be when i grow up?

2007-11-17T09:53:00.000+08:00

when i grow up..

... i want to grow up...

All this talk of getting old
It's getting me down my love
Like a cat in a bag, waiting to drown
This time I'm comin' down

Now the drugs don't work
They just make you worse
But I know I'll see your face again

the verve..

someone of the same name
said he admire my verve. (:

something to keep me happy
as i deal with these daily migraines.

i need to be somewhere else now.
but im not.
will just drop by later.

i wanna be good.
yea.. i wanna be good..

he doesnt play for the money he wins
he doesnt play for respect

embarking on my most ambitious project yet.
a facilitative portal/site for muslims who wish to
to achieve success as outlined in the revelations.

got a rather mixed response from friends
but hey i wanna be good. (:
good people share with others good things

right?

i know that the sp♠des are swords of a soldier
i know that the cl♣bs are weapons of war
i know that diam♦nds mean money for this art
but that's not the shape of my he♥rt

Lo! Verily, there is in the body a small piece of flesh; if it is good the whole body is good and if it is corrupted the whole body is corrupted; lo! It is the ♥

may your ♥ be good

of change

2007-11-02T02:04:00.000+08:00

to the 3 closest ladies to me
this few weeks.

one trying to do her best in school
one trying to make others do their best in school
one who thinks its best if she quit school

(:

anyways...

much to say. but too lazy to blog.
much to do.

just a reminder to all

sikit sikit
lama lama
jadi bukit. (:

a grain by a grain,
soon enough
it'll be mountain

the great changes
often take much to take shape. (:

something something.

love you all

of 39.07 degrees celsius

2007-10-23T03:34:00.000+08:00

03:35
im sick.
high fever.
took my temp half an hour ago thereabouts

took panadol few minutes before i sat in front of this comp
and start to type away this post.

im sick.
Narrated Abu Sa'id Al-Khudri and Abu Huraira:
The Prophet said, "No fatigue, nor disease, nor sorrow, nor sadness, nor hurt, nor distress befalls a Muslim, even if it were the prick he receives from a thorn, but that Allah expiates some of his sins for that." sahih bukhari

have much sin to atone for .
lots...

clear karma : cell would say.
(:

From Abu Hurairah ra : Rasulullah saw said :"One who visits a sick person, or visits a brother of his for the sake of Allah swt, a caller calls him (saying) :"May you be well, and may your passage be well, and may you occupy a place in paradise " Tirmidhi ) from imam nawawi's Riyad as-Salihin

caller refer to angels (:

dont know what else to write.

too many things occupying my mind.
the recent death of a brother
the amount of work i still have yet to do
the "cause" of my illness
the formation of singapore interfaith youth association
if its ever gonna happen.
the concept of time according to the Quran and Hadith
the "era" we are in according to the Quran and Hadith

the wrongs ive done.
whether the rights ive done are enough to "cover" for it?

tv just died.
placed it on off timer.
joan of arcadia was on.
this week's show was something about knowing the truth

was in the kitchen before this.
looking for the lid cover of the rice porridge container from darul makmur
had a hadith on it.

jusst gotta google it now.

Abu Dhar Jundub bin Junadah and Abu Abdul Rahman Mu’adh bin Jabal, radiyallahu anhuma, reported that the Messenger of Allah, sallallahu 'alayhi wasallam, said:

“Fear Allah wherever you may be; follow up an evil deed with a good one which will wipe (the former) out, and behave good-naturedly towards people.”

[Al-Tirmidhi relates it, saying: It is a good (hasan) Tradition. In some copies he says: It is a good and genuine (hasan and sahih) Hadith.]

from imam nawawi's 40 hadith

temps goin down i feel. (:
thank GOD,

live another day insya ALLAH.
pray for me. (:

love you all

03:52

of serenity prayer

2007-10-10T12:33:00.000+08:00

"God, give us grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed, courage to change the things that should be changed, and the wisdom to distinguish the one from the other. "

of I, me and migraine

2007-10-06T13:50:00.000+08:00

its official people!
i have migraine. [educate yourself]
diagnosis was made as of 12:something~something
today by a very nice Dr A Chua of Yishun Polyclinic..

for the unacquainted, i have been having banging headaches
for the last 4-5 days..

they were seriously so bad that it almost retards me from
doing anything useful / worthwhile / productive.
* then again have i ever been?

took a blood test this morning,
no infection, no dengue,
im bloody good (:

haiz...
finally i can sit together with the rest of the products
of the industrialized world and shout hurrah as i down
my first anti-depressant pills tonight.

no.. no.. i dont have depression but the pills are also
used by some doctors to treat migraine.
educate yourself [click here]

and after a brief chat with nad:
we agreed that you have to be Emo to take anti-depressant.

haiz...
moving on. head still hurts. if i saved the non-edited version of this post.
you guys will see how many bloody times i have to hit the <- (backspace button)
cuz i keep making careless mistkesa as i type (gave up on that last one)..

in other news:
in protest of my body succumbing to becoming a cucumber,
i watched manufacturing consent: noam chomsky and the media

im close to calling him my fav jew but i dont think im willing to commit as of yet.
he is a very smart guy though i may not agree with his anarchist tendencies...

will strive to match his intelligence..
as soon as i get over this migraine..

be safe people.
special shout out to charlene..
(:

of off my head and head aches

2007-10-03T21:11:00.000+08:00

i need to take an "official" IQ test..

taking the online tests:
i've got results of 138 and 144..

i know
some of you
might be saying
ya lah saiful..
we know you're smart ok?
no need to blog about it la.

q;

i wanna take an "official" IQ test
then join mensa..

i can see myself : president of mensa
on other news; some chess grandmaster Garry Kasparov
is running for president in Russia...

things in myanmar/burma don't look good.

ill be changing my blog skin to all red soon.

in singapore: people seem to be as usual apathetic.
haiz..

in other news:
banging headaches
feeling nauseous
bitter taste in my throat

pray for me.

of shades of blu slideshow on picasa

2007-10-02T18:18:00.000+08:00

finally; my first online showcase of my no-so-worth-the-look-see photos..

of everything and everything

2007-09-30T06:03:00.000+08:00

peace.

sad to see the peaceful protests turn violent.

striving hard to make this month worth its glory.

practise what you "preach".

need your support, sify-ians!

need all your support!!

pacing to prevent oneself from burning out.

pls exercise exercise utmost restraint!

is this what i want?

things are generally fine.

but these headaches wont leave me alone.

wear red for burma!

be extremely vigilant about avoiding positions of
leadership, but should you be tried with such matters
at least know your own limitations: sidi ahmad zarruq

what are my limits?

bio clock a tad off.
bedtime = 6am -> 9am

recent hike in shark energy drink consumption
the new can design is nice though

21 days to whirling

is this what i need?

pandai boleh.
jangan pandai-pandai...
'its ok to be smart;
(but) dont act smart'

one step at a time.

make the best of any given situation.

be grateful!

thank you..

of pic of wcrp asian youth delegates

2007-09-12T08:56:00.000+08:00