of awal dan akhir

i remember reading in a book that some scientist dude can tell the emotion someone is feeling by monitoring his brain activity. though he did say, that the most difficult to discern is between someone who is experiencing hatred or love. because the brain activity for both are the same. interesting right?

i love her. i loved her. she was the only one who got me all smitten. she taught me how to love again. and for a brief moment in my life, she taught me unconditional love. and she tested it well.

i gave up loving her. it was not fruitful. it was devastating. it was not love. it was torture. why do you try to be playful with me? why did you hug me on the train?

and that long-standing crush on mr perfect. come on. are you sure you are in love with him? you dont even know what love is... i am learning myself but from how i see you treat the person you " love " .. you are a long long way to appreciating true love.

you can induce the greatest sense of joy within me - the kind of ecstasy which will make one feel that life beyond all its trials and tribulations is worth the while and a second later you can plummet me down to the emotional hell of hatred and anger which will trigger a multitude of many many other negative feelings.

a girl like you is impossible to find.

the yo-yo string has finally snapped.

you are not my zahir. you are not my summer. you are not juliet nor khadijah.

you are a sunflower which grew out of the rock that i am. for a while, your presence beautify my stony surroundings until your roots slowly but surely crack open the rock and reduce me to bits and pieces of gravel.

pardon for the lousy writing and lousier content.
outburst. helps one deal with it. something something.

and yet i know, i am lying to the world....

of a dream

they don't always meet or speak. 12 years of friendship has taught them to not get too caught up with the mniute details of the others' everyday life. it is not always just the 3 of them. sometimes, they'd be together with the rest of the batch. sometimes just 2. any 2 of the 3.

today, all 3 were present at his place. the room was dim. they didn't need much light. they don't read off scores. just feel the music and play. each held their instrument of choice firm yet allowing delicate movements of the fingers to produce what they hear as music. the trombonist on the bass, the cool guy on the guitar and he was on the drums. so they jammed.

faithful to their creed, they paused to perform their prayers. he led as he was host. all of them knew the routine. nomos shared by a billion others maybe less, maybe more. it was slightly past noon. only the glorifications which preceded movement were to be vocalised inclusive of the closing greetings. at the start of a new set, he heard someone talking but couldn't make out the words. distracted became the leader. the whole prayer could be in jeopardy. he had to do something to regain control. so he read the ranks out loud, defying tradition. then the voice interjected almost reprimanding, "saying it out loud doesnt make it right"

sound advice.

of passing thoughts

im happy.
seriously i am.
and very thankful [ to GOD ] to be happy.
had 7 calls last night. and i did the case records for all 7 of them under the super-vision of the on-duty paramedic. good balance of medical and trauma. nothing too serious..

went home happy.

anyways bought 2 books prior to my shift. both translations of ghazali's works. one a gift for a very close friend who is far far away, the other for personal enrichment. was at the mosque prior to that, happily doing my solat with the jemaah. and before that i was sitting with a book, coffee, cheesecake and nicky alternating my attention between the written conversation of anna with the prince and watching them cute kids celebrating their youth with/in/at the fountain. this was right after my trip to the central lending library where i got 2 more books to add to the mobile library in my bag. decided to got there after i left the hospital. was there for my medical referral for my migraine. will be there again next week to get my head/brain scanned. happy to finally have the courage to go for further check-up.

happy that my mentor is finally allowing me to take calls and trust me to handle cases. ok.. not all of them but hey much progress (:

happy that i am still contributing as a harmony centre docent. last friday saw me and kak suhailah hosting a foreign diplomat. happy that right after, i was given the opportunity to contribute once again to the mosque youth. happy that i had a blast chatting over coffee and on a long bus ride. 2 of my favorite activities.

happy gilmore is me.

but i still hold strongly to the belief that happiness is a by-product. one may find happiness whilst participating in indiscriminate merry-making or indulging in the serenity of silence or whatever that ring one's bells..

so it is more important to pursue the source of happiness and be clear in its permanence and reliability: and in these matters nothing else beats seeking GOD. and finding happiness whilst doing so. (:

you taught me that that is possible but just being yourself and being happy (: i see it in your eyes and i wonder why i missed it the last time we spoke. not much a reader am i? truth be told, your re-emergence in my life is a reminder to me that GOD in all His Mercy and Grace, still Loves me. and that makes me happy.

i know some [ very few ] will realise that the prev post is missing. my apologies. had to bring it down. i was just way too happy that i may have exaggerated some descriptions.

i think a line shall suffice as a substitute -

Thank God for you ♥


when will you realise?
vienna waits for you

of hope

My heart anticipates patiently the moment when you will silently slip your hand next to mine, allowing our fingers to intertwine with one of yours escaping only to tickle my palm playfully.
You will then lean over and gently whisper to my ear,
" what is the square root of π? " only then i can die (:

of time

they say that time is a healer ..

i pray that is true..

dont think i can say it any clearer

i will always love you..

some days im happy seeing you happy

others, id be wishing you were still mine

right now, i dont know what best for me

im just gonna let time take time

of closing words for the night

Anak punai anak merbah,
Hinggap di tunggak mencari sarang.
Anak sungai lagikan berubah,
Inikan pula hati orang...

of alchemy

reading the first few pages of paulo coelho's the alchemist
[ santiago's conversation with the village girl ] - got me reminiscing

got me wishing the conversation of the evening of 23rd Dec 2006 never ended
or the one by the beach on the morning after the "one-night-stand" ... before we bought those eggs. (:

used to think i am good at handling loss - have a long history losing things both mine and others (very unfortunate but i am working hard to overcome it)

nowadays, our convo seems hasty and ends abruptly - its the equivalent of one gobbling up one's meal then quickly leaving the table instead of savouring each bite and sitting down after a meal for a while before leaving the table.

writing these words;
am reminded that

- by the virtue of time, verily mankind is in a state of loss except those who believe and do good, and enjoin on each other truth, and enjoin on each other patience.

- successful indeed are the believers ..... who avoid vain talk.

oh God, free me from the shackles of my desires, grant me success and make me not amongst those who are in a state of loss .

of monday monday..

woke up with yes you've guessed it..
pounding headache.

no mood to do anything.
solat subuh then went to lie down hoping it'd get better
ended up sleeping till noon.

count that.
9pm - 6am
6.30am - 12pm
12.20pm - 2pm ?

slept more than the day away..

q:

doc gave me some real migraine meds

so far i've gotten

anarex
ponstan
nurofen
caffiene and ergotamine (latest)

will add links soon.
gotta go pray ..

pray for me.